A paw reaches up

He taps my arm because I guess he can sense that I'm barely holding my eyelids shut in defiance of the morning.

It's time to get up.

Time to turn the water faucet on for Haroldo.

Time for the world to rush in and for my brain to make a nice arrangement of what it thinks I can handle seeing.

Everything is constructed new but the same.

I had wretched period cramps in the middle of the night and had to stumble in the dark to the Advil. Avoiding light so that once the Advil kicked in I would be able to fall back asleep. Another stumble to find and plug in the heating pad, then back to bed to endure as a potential world worked on ripping itself from my body, renewing the option again over time.

Every month I am new.

This year has been one for awakenings. Sometimes the spiritual path feels like a trap because below every layer of awakening is a world that you'll never see or access in the same way again. People you can never indulge with again, energies permanently avoided.

And I know that it's a good thing even if it sometimes feels contrary to the norm and isolating.

I'm making kissing gestures at my plants. I'm writing love letters to the moon. I'm falling in love with the underlying current, avoiding the surface.

Walking home from places that I don't want to be and wondering if what I'm doing is aversion or a peaceful protest for myself.

Only time will tell.

Giving in, is the way

Relaxing into whatever “is”, at any point in time.

What else can you do?

To push and shove around life is a heedless pursuit 🏇…not that I haven't tried to pursue it myself.

We instinctively know that this is the way but that is in a shootout with the thinking mind.

The running mind, dancing around your true interests…distracting you from the only real thing- the essence of life, energy in this moment.

If we can just get it to shut the hell up every now and then (daily if possible 😅), then we could make enough silence for our true energy and desires to come through.

Time slows down when you enjoy and celebrate what you have of it.

We are naturally busy with the past and are on pins and needles about the future, this is a distraction.

If we could just be quiet and a little still, everything would open up to us.

There were some stressful things in my past, and some things that were just regular things that stressed me out, things that I had no control over.

I can see how far that I've come on my responses to life's happenings and I feel overwhelmingly relieved to be relatively chill in most scenarios that happen to me. Every thing that comes at me, makes me stronger, smarter, and occasionally softer.

I've learned a lot through observation of my mind and of other people's thought patterns too.

I know enough to know that life is unpredictable and what I like to call “one big doozy” but that's fine! That's just how it is, in a constant cycle of death and rebirth.

I find it very interesting to look at life like this and just go willingly into the unknown adventure.

Because we don't really have a choice do we 😅 we can enjoy life or not -regardless of the circumstances. Nurture your Mindscape to be a safe and welcoming place for you.

It is a full-time job btw, keeping up with you, staying present in your life. However the consequences of neglecting your inner world vs focusing on the outer world and it's expectations of you…😅 no thank you 😇 I want to enjoy my life.

I can't worry about what I can't control. I don't have someone that I am trying to keep up with. Life is a short & fast miraculous thing, if you made it this far 🫡 congratulations 👏.

The sun has been shining on you, life is trying to get you to pay attention and enjoy it as a gift. It is a gift, not something to be squandered with the ego.

All it wants in return is for you to look at it and appreciate it, as the hilarious, beautiful, amazing thing that it is.

🌞😘

Smile at the world and you will see it smiles back.

The most important time is

My personal time 😅

The freedom that I have over my life is invaluable. I called it a luxury to my friend (that has 4 kids that require her time) and she reminded me that I worked hard to get where I am today.

She's not wrong but it still feels like I have cracked some code and/or I'm incredibly blessed.

Of all the experiences that I could've had, this one is pretty fun.

I have made many strategic decisions for myself and my life.

I've learned some lessons along the way. Every moment is an opportunity to make peace with your life, every experience leading into the next.

What you do in this moment, is what you do for life because that's all that life is, tiny moments one after another until it's over.

I feel very empowered by the knowledge that I've gained and the way that I have evolved to live my life.

Or maybe it's all luck(or maybe it's the magnesium glycinate 🤔)😅🤞

Maybe she's born with it 😤

Either way it's a cause for a celebration. I'm feeling lighter than I have in months.

Whew 🤣🫶😇😘

In between

Energy is infinite and energy is hardcore finite.

On one hand, I see that everything is connected and there's no rush to get to something that isn't guaranteed, only now is what matters.

On the other hand, I feel an urge to not waste any time at all. I am questioning often, is this conversation or situation a bad use of my time 🤔, my limited time and uncertainty with the current existence is in a battle with a deeper belief of continuity.

Do I relax or do I need to force and arrange?

I tend to do a mix of the two, just trying to be balanced and accepting of multiple ideas at the same time.

The more that I am aware and see that everything is in a constant cycle of death and rebirth, the easier it is to sit back, relax, and laugh about it.

I have to laugh at the absurdity of it all as some sense of stability.

Life is a wild wave and that's actually something that you can count on and expect.

Goofy ass existence if you ask me.

It's also pretty fun if you let it be.

It feels so good to be home

I love traveling so much but being in my space with my cat and my bed and my flailing space…nothing compares to it…😅 sorry Tahiti.

It usually takes me a few days to resettle into my space and since I've been back, I've been busy.

We can talk about Wednesday when I had that emotional breakdown at my gym about my brother.

Or we can talk about Thursday where I took a new challenging salsa class.

Or Friday when I waltzed around First Friday with Lydia.

And then the weekend of course, I spent it at an entrepreneurial idea challenge.

So it's Monday and I am very glad to be home. No imminent plans…unless a tornado breaks out and I have to go downstairs 😅…

But let's hope it doesn't get to that.

Some bad things happen, some good things happen, I ride the wave.

I can only be doing my best at any time that I'm allowed to. I feel like I got some validation from the universe on a couple of things and while I wasn't particularly seeking, it's nice to be seen.

I feel lucky and I know that I am 😩💪🫶💅.

Grieving someone who has died is one thing

But grieving someone who is still alive is another type of pain.

Someone who you know is suffering in one way or another.

It's a physical pain and I feel like I am able to push it down most days to continue carrying on.

But not all days.

And today it got me.

On the plane

Headed back to America, land of the parking lots.

I love Guatemala, I really do. It's an interesting place with a lot of beauty and of course a lil sadness.

Something about seeing a volcano pop off just hits differently.

I'm well rested and my body is aching to dance around my apartment. I'll go from tiny luxury to tiny luxury and give it all a lil smooch, except Haroldo, he gets a big smooch.

He'll be very sweet for a day or two and then get back to “barking” orders.

I feel very lucky at how smooth this trip went, I feel lucky for many reasons actually.

Can't wait to see the queue of other “schmucks” headed back to Tulsa in DFW 😅😘.

A certain exhaustion

That is hard to explain.

But luckily I've been able to rest and do as I please for a week.

I went to get acupuncture today, and after I rattled off a myriad of things to Auny, she said that she had my diagnosis and that she would be doing more Reiki as my symptoms seemed to be more emotional than physical.

She wasn't wrong of course.

I have never had acupuncture or Reiki though I am a curious cat and I will try almost anything once.

She first began by reading my chakras to find what was open and what ones were closed.

I have also never had that done and I thought it was interesting and also in some ways disturbed me a little bit. Sometimes we hold onto things more than we want to admit. She said that there had been something recently that happened that had closed a few off.

It could have been anything and my mind started flipping through the possibilities.

After that she performed Reiki. I won't go into what she said as she was doing it but I couldn't help but have some sort of convulsive crying. I don't have a lot of words for that part of the experience other than it was very intense for me.

And then she did acupuncture on me which was interesting but tbh I was still recovering from the other experience.

After it all she asked me how I felt and I really wasn't sure how I did feel. In a daze I walked back to my Airbnb to chill for a brief moment, ringing the towel of my tear ducts.

I decided to go to this very good ramen shop even though even walking seemed like too much. I had beetroot gyoza and vegan ramen. Both were incredibly delicious and I was starting to feel like a human again.

Auny told me rest was best post this type of ordeal(my words, not hers) and that's what I've done for the rest of the day. Relaxed. A few leaks of the old cry faucets again, and rest.

There were many things I could have done today but all I wanted to do was rest.

I have not rested this much on any trip that I've had. It's been amazing to be free to do so and I feel like it is much needed because there already is too much waiting for me to do back in Tulsa.

Back to it now.

I had plans to go somewhere

But somewhere was having a private party, so I ended somewhere else.

And now after somewhere else, there is somewhere, actually many somewheres that I could be.

But I don't want to. For some reason, I just don't want to.

I want to be at home(or at least my BNB) and not out, not in the night chaos.

The night chaos hasn't called to me in awhile. In fact I've noticed that the only way I'm able to tolerate the night chaos is if I drink myself into my own type of chaos and I just don't want to do that either.

It's a strange feeling for me.

I just want to be home, chilling, thinking, enjoying the moonlight.

But for some reason I feel a guilt sensation? Like I need to be out, somewhere?…that's what people do right? It's Friday…

When I get back to Tulsa I pretty much have nonstop plans for a week straight and it's not my favorite but at least now, while on a lil vacay, I can just chill if I want to.

An extra thing of luck to note

There are obvious ways in which I am lucky to be able to travel, mainly I can afford it and I'm also not scared to do it.

But something else that is not obvious, something you might only think of if it did affect you: being able bodied.

I am physically capable of traveling pretty much anywhere without having to worry about walking long distances or up stairs, or uneven pavements. I think about this when I travel because often I am in places where there is basically no way you could be there or stay there if you had any sort of mobility problem.

So yah, I'm thankful for my legs!!! They're strong AF and who knows…they could get randomly chopped off anytime 😅🤣, I mean I surely hope not but we just do not know.

So for now yah I'm walking up the spiral staircase and tripping over uneven pavements because I can.

Just a thought.

Shedding skins

Shedding skins and I think about you, him, her, and everyone that I know or have seen.

I observe and examine, and in my mind do a little analysis on everyone, sometimes objectively, sometimes not. More often than not the analysis then turns to myself in reflection of any conclusions that I came to.

And I am always wanting to conclude things, to have a concrete yes/no on the situation.

Quick to remove myself from any deterioration of energy. Maybe too quick.

Trying to understand what in you(everyone) makes me scowl at your parts rather than openly loving everything as is.

Then there is the other concern, my time.

Am I in disservice to myself giving my time to anyone even if I feel there is a disconnect?

I've always found it strange that people hang out with people that they seem to hate or find very frustrating.

I wonder if I'm trying to make myself too comfortable by removing everything I don't like.

Is it bad, is it good? I don't know but I can tell you that for the most part I enjoy my life more when I'm not putting myself into situations that disturb some inner part of me.

But I have to be careful with that too, of course.

We must always be challenging ourselves and running towards the very things we are afraid of and even annoyed by. It makes us better, somehow.

There's no right answer here, I just try to maintain awareness of what I do and try to be patient with (most) people to see them through.

Anyhow.

There's a bat that keeps trying to fly into my window, today I head to Antigua for a complete change of pace.

And I'm back

Back in Guatemala, para mi tiempo tercero.

After I landed I got an Uber to El Paredón, a short 3hr drive 😅.

On the plane I had already come to a few conclusions about my “impulse” back in February to book this trip.

I won't reveal those here but taking a trip physically or mentally seems to offer the space to ask yourself questions.

I identified two questions or rather parts of myself that needed some attention, some figuring out.

Or at the least to make peace with.

I love traveling alone for this reason.

El Paredón is beautiful and also very hot 😅. Tomorrow I will go to Antigua to eat and dance my ass off.

This will be my first dance festival to attend and I'm very excited, even if I may not understand what is going on.

I've fared ok with my Spanish so far in El Paredón and you don't need to talk on the dance floor.

I feel incredibly grateful to be able to come here. To be able to travel, to see different things and to have unique experiences. When I let that feeling set in, I cry a wee bit.

I'm lucky, not perfect, but lucky.

The benefits of a genetic mutation

Because only I(and a few others) can understand the drawbacks.

The benefits of a genetic mutation, I'm able to just turn down the sound of the outside world.

I can sit here in a restaurant and be listening to Alan Watts.

And sometimes I simply don't hear what people say, and even this can be a benefit, depending on who's speaking.

If I am to sometimes exist in my own world, at least I can arrange a soundtrack.

If it causes me to rush

If it causes me to rush, I don't want it.

I don't want to be in a hurry about life, it's only going to end anyways.

And until that happens, let me saunter.

Let me relax, I want a life of- just enough. Just enough fire and energy to grow and learn while thoroughly enjoying the relaxation of the only moment we have, this one now.

Look at it only to see it's already gone and new one has arrived.

Over and over until it's time to fade back into the great expanse once again.

This my poetic justification of chilling 😘

The power that I have cultivated

The power that I have cultivated in myself to be able to do and enjoy things by myself is **chef's kiss**.

I'm in Denvie for my little adventure and it really hit me last night at the concert.

I am willing to put myself in new situations, I thrust myself happily into a space to be the odd man out in a new cultural experience.

And I love that.

It's not Mexican Culture, Turkish, Indian etc. that I'm obsessed with…it's people. I am fascinated by all people and especially when partaking in a celebration of music, dance, food.

I feel more connected to life in general when I'm walking out of my bubble.

The Cumbia concert that I went to last night was so fantastic. The dancing, the outfits, the incredibly talented musicians, such a great experience.

I feel very lucky to have the confidence to do what I want to without needing co-conspirators.

When you're open to new experiences, the world is your puppy. What you smile at, smiles back at you.

I am blessed to be able to have this much fun wherever I go, whatever I do.

I'm just a baby in this world, staying playful as life unfolds.

Oh but did I tell you about my outfit?!

Don't mind if I do

Don't mind if I do just enjoy myself.

Monday - Thursday I was in Housti for work and it was nice to hangout with my coworkers in person.

Nothing is nicer than being at home with my cat though, this is a hill I will die alone on 😅🤣😇.

İf İ hit you with this combo: 😅🤣😇.

This is what that means- I'm nervous about what i said but i also think it's funny and at some point I'm just a bby and also an angel so don't judge me.

İn a couple of hours I will be in Denvie.

Don't like my city names? Get over it.

Life is cute and I'm going to talk to it like a baby that I love.

Anyways, going to Denvie.

This is a weekend getaway that I had booked prior to the Housti situation. It was an impulse to see a cumbia band that I like.

Los Socios Del Ritmo.

At first glance I thought the band name meant, The psychos of Rhythm, and truthfully I wish that was what it meant.

It means the partners of rhythm though, which is not as exciting.

The music however, is exciting.

One thing I love about Latin music is the random yelling at the beginning of a song. It's a pre-yell to get you excited for the other exciting parts of the song.

If you don't know what I'm referring to, check out Llorar.

https://open.spotify.com/track/2f9XA7pBMjrHPO2cJW5XCu?si=UkUHJUlkR5uyneZ-0gFskQ

Llorar is the song that started my newfound Cumbia passion, there's a lot of layers of sound in the song and I just love it.

So I'll be in Denvie for a concert but I'll also pill around the town a bit and possibly go Salsa dancing.

And like always, I already miss my cat 😅🤣😇.

There's nothing to do here

At the end of the day, this is the conclusion.

There's nothing to be done.

I am simply here to watch.

Things will sort themselves out.

The body & the mind they'll move and shake…and I'm supposed to sit back and be aware of it.

I mean I can't exactly just hang out in the woods, I have bills to pay.

Would I be paying those bills, either way? If I thought I had control over it or not?

Am I the one paying the bills? Or am I that kinky soul that is watching “myself” pay bills?

We haven't reconciled ourselves yet.

I'm not my body, I'm not my mind, but a third more peculiar thing which isn't a thing at all but an experience.

The collective consciousness experiencing itself….got it 😅🤣😇.

Idk sometimes I'm just a girl 💅 and I am thinking too much either way.

That would be true of course, if I had the control.

The only control there seems to be is a surrender to the fact that we do in fact not have control and the best next thing we can do is to just be aware.

Alright I'm tuckered out now, time to dream.

Tickle my mind

To engage me in play.

Oh you're not playing enough, are you?

We are serious beings. We have responsibilities, self concepts, and an enduring to-do list.

One thing that has become very clear to me in recent years is that you have to make the space.

If you want _____ to come into your life….you have to make space for it.

You have to remove (“sacrifice”) things that detract you from where your intuition is leading you.

And above all, listen to your body.

The body knows.

The body knows when you don't enjoy someone, something, or some place.

Are you listening?

Or maybe you're hearing the signals but you're not understanding what they mean.

It takes time to know oneself(to truly objectively witness your experience)…and in the end there is no true knowing of something that is in a perpetual cycle of change.

So you might as well have fun and go with the flow… of the wave.

And this lil wave(me) is having a break to rest up for a big fancy crest😇.

My body tells me when I need rest, knowing what is ahead.

If I don't listen, I make things worse.

If I do listen though…if I relax, if I rest, if I play…

Well the water comes rushing in to lift me up - here I come for my next big fancy crest.

💅 🌊

The more that I relax

The better that I feel, and the better I am at being around other people.

It seems simple, right?

Just relax.

Being in a relaxed state also helps me to think more clearly.

When I am able to do that, ideas just rush in. My creativity is at maximum potential when I'm at ease with life as it is.

Things that help me to relax: dancing, exercise, meditation aka just being present with the current moment that you are in which is all there is, actually if you think about it, or not.

The current experience is all there is. Everything else is some distraction from what is.

I'm a Pisces though and you know they say that we daydream 😍. Interesting to watch myself to go through winter and end up in spring again.

It was bound to happen.

Circle of life or something like that.

Death and rebirth on a daily basis.

Always starting new which is kind of a relief tbh.

We have the illusion that we have the control but as we all know, life is just going to be lifing w/ or w/o your consent.

It'll give you a lil tehehe and turn your world upside down or downside up.

And it will do that as long as you're lucky enough to experience it.

So be like Haroldo and chill a bit.

Just a regular day

Oh yah, and it’s also my birthday.

Another “year” in the grand scheme of space and time.

Technically- everyday is your birthday, when you consider that at any moment you could get Weird Al Yanked right off the plane of existence.

Birthdays mark the current location of where we are at on birth->death cycle, or so we think.

You made it another year, congratulations! Time to celebrate!!

But what if I told you, there’s another way?

I have been wondering why I hadn’t felt like making a whole shebang (unrelated to DJ Shebangs) out of it.

I had a couple of theories and then I realized what it was, I am generally celebrating being alive and enjoying my life every day.

I am thankful to be alive and to be living a very beautiful existence. I do be pondering and at the end of a good ponder it's always coming up roses.

Today for my birthday I got Haroldos teeth cleaned. Luckily he didn't have to have any extractions and doesn't have to wear kitty dentures. Can you imagine?

Kitty dentures.

Oh but back to my birthday.

It's actually been a blast. I love my existence, my freedom, and lifestyle. I am very lucky to be.

Spring has sprung and I have come out of the winter(for now😅).

I did me tings today, it was a great day indeed.

Bless.