I cried at the comedy show /  by Tahlia Roper

It was a tragedy.

It's on private so this blog is purely for me or for when I feel comfortable enough to share.

Something came over me, unrelated.

My heart sank. I missed people I've never met.

A deep feeling of loneliness. Even amongst people I love dearly.

Where is he, where is my love?

Where can I rest my head. I'm tired.

And I shed some tears unbeknownst to those around me. Feeling this deep pain. For a love I've never met, but who could hold me how I want to be held?

Who could even try 😔 I am hurting for a love that hasn't materialized. A love that is all mine. Something I'm longing for. I pine, I pine.

But yet, tomorrow and next week will come and this feeling will pass. I'll move on in ways and convince myself I am not longing for something deeply stowed.

“You could drown but you no longer want to”

When/who/where is that time…

I am strangely calculated /  by Tahlia Roper

Something people would probably not expect about me since I am a creative individual.

I love to plan things out in numbers.

And I just love to plan things in general.

I like being prepared.

Ah but not with everything in life.

Morning thots.

Sunday morning /  by Tahlia Roper

Sunday feelings.

Yesterday I did a bit of shopping and planned a bit for my trip to Cali. Today I will run more errands and spend time customizing a few items. I prefer to hand sew so it might be awhile.

One of my projects is what I'm calling my country lab coat. It's a large wrangler shirt that I'm attaching pockets and adding my name to the back. Yeah….lol it's gonna be dope.

I've got another shirt I'm adding a picket to, and one that I'm adding a felt red heart to cover up a mysterious stain.

Everything custom, everything one of a kind. That's just how I like to do things these days.

I made an incredible veil last week and I'm wrapping up another interesting one plus I have plans for another.

I got a text from a temp lover, “I haven't seen you at the dance club in months” yep. It's winterish now and I'll be inside making things and thinking about my feelings.

🙃🙃🙃

It me.

I used to be different /  by Tahlia Roper

And that's a great thing.

I'm feeling somewhat proud of my ability to reason and rationalize. In the past I might have been more reluctant to admit that I'm wrong. Now, I feel like it's much easier than it's ever been for me to take a step back, think about the situation and the sides of others, reason the best outcome and apologize if necessary. I am correcting course so much quicker, maybe it's all the Sailing ⛵🙃

If I'm wrong, so be it. Whatever gets the best outcome is what I'm after.

Anyhow my cat has been so cute lately it should actually be illegal.

Also I've made friends with at least 5 different neighborhood cats, I'm on top of my street cat game.

I am washed in the silence of the mind.

Ah monday /  by Tahlia Roper

And there's no place like home.

There's no place like coffee in bed.

There's no place like the quiet comfort of your own head.

It's good to be back. Somehow I have to be more conscious of my routine when I'm out of town.

What I currently do is drop all sense of routine the second that I'm somewhere else. This can make traveling harder…we don't want that 🥲.

Reflecting on this as I'm preparing to go to California for a few days.

How is it that trips feel short and long at the same time?

Probably time perception 😅 but anyways.

It's good to be thrown off, it forces you to look up and say, “hey wait a minute…where am I?” This is something I've written about many times. The need for silence/break and to go “within”, a chance to rediscover what you've been doing and what needs to change.

I come running back into the arms of silence everytime.

Yesterday was a series of wins. I had to send several “I'm isolating” texts but once free to do the things I needed to, the curtain started to lift.

And I woke up this morning to another day. Another chance to be witness to this weird and wonderful life.

Another chance to be as I am, where I am, and to strategically dream of places I'd like to go.

And often I just hear Sam Harris go, “all you really have, is your mind”

And I'm thankful that mine is an interesting place to be.

Unrelated to this post but it came on a radio I was listening to and reminded me of how much I love this song.

What a joy it is /  by Tahlia Roper

To feel this breadth of emotion.

I've been in Memphis, TN visiting my grandma and my uncle and cousin. It's been a nice visit and a welcome break from routine.

Thanksgiving was tasty and relaxed.

I'm feeling better than I did on Wednesday, and just kind of curious about what the next few weeks of the year will bring.

Heading to California for a bit in December for work. Or as I like to say, “heading to California to personally fix the port issues”

Anyhow.

If i love you in winter /  by Tahlia Roper

I'll be over you by spring.

Something I'm trying to settle with myself rn.

For some reason this morning is full of feels and longing for a different course. A more exciting motion, a connection that strikes like a match.

I don't really know how I feel sometimes and when that happens I tend to isolate, delete the app(dating), and think about what it's going to be like when I do find what I want, or will it find me?

I'll listen to songs that pull at my heart and try to dissect myself.

And once settled, I'll be open again and full of fresh energy that thinks, maybe 🤔 what I want is the out there, and I'll take another pass.

Buttttt for now, I rest my heavy heart and carry myself like only I can.

A song that hits /  by Tahlia Roper

In a weird spot. The song is full of emotion, not sure if I relate to it or just to the sound of it.

I could expand further on that train of thought, “not sure if I want it or just the sound of it”.

I need to make music videos for all my faves.

What you resists /  by Tahlia Roper

Persists.

Why u gotta be like that Jung?!

That mfer be spittin' and hittin' the spot sometimes.

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are”

🥵🥵🥵🥵

Guess I'll go out and continue this privilege of a lifetime 😌

Lists and notes /  by Tahlia Roper

Comments and goals. Random rants and observations.

Tiny pieces of thicc paper, folded into tiny cards.

They feel nice. They give me peace of mind. Get all the things out of my head and onto paper.

And sometimes this song hits in a very strange way.

Every morning i sit in bed with books /  by Tahlia Roper

Every night I sit in bed with books.

It's not all for the reading, it's a mix of journals and education.

A space for reflection.

A page to rant, a rant that turns into a realization.

Oh I've been bad. Or I've been good. It's all relative.

I try to wake up and flood my head with positive thoughts about the day, and it mostly works.

I don't like to rush in the morning. So I never do. I used to have to wake up and run out of my house still half asleep, I hope to never do that again.

Recently I feel like I've been running a little more mindlessly than usual. Powering through things without taking the time for gratitude.

I try to stay in a state of mostly amped but the slowing down is so important.

The meditation makes me, I do not do as well without it. It's easy to prioritize in the warmer times, lately I've been in a rush for really no reason at all.

Winter is a time for slowing down. I need to take advantage of this time.

Back to my books now…

More of that, please /  by Tahlia Roper

Yesterday I got a random invite from a new friend to an Indian Food party. Considering this is the first party of it's kind that I have been invited to, I couldn’t pass it up. Any party based around Indian food is exactly the type of party I want to be at.

I took Lydia and we had a blast, the food was great. There was constant smiling and laughing and uproar from a good time. I feel very lucky to have been invited and to have said yes to a new experience.

New experiences only please! It's so easy to see all the same people that I already know in town and that honestly at times can jade me a bit. I love to meet new people and to have different experiences and that's hard to do when you go to all the same places.

😌😌😌

💕💕💕

Cheers to new friends and great times.

A phase of /  by Tahlia Roper

The feels.

I love my life, I'm very happy with where I am at rn. I'm excited about life and all the great experiences to come while always remembering that life is short and a number a tragic scenarios could happen, fingers crossed of course that they don’t.

I rebuke thee bad experiences! Or at least I try.

Even though I'm living a very cozy and magical life I am not immune to energetic shifts. I can know that nothing is actually wrong but still have a feeling of unease. We are all balancing a million inputs that attempt to take us for a ride. I have to harness the power of rest and reflection in order to clapback and reclaim my mental position.

The power lies in awareness.

Oh but I slip.

The weekend energy /  by Tahlia Roper

Has left me.

Maybe it'll come back next weekend. The last few weeks I have not felt like going out or even socializing much.

Usually caught in a day dream or planning out all the ways in which to transform MoneyHouse into a cozy winter escape.

I guilt myself a bit, too. The rational part of my brain doesn't want me to have too much fun 😅 it just wants me to spend all my free time learning and improving myself or cleaning and organizing 🤣 what a damn doozy of a subconscious I have.

But I listen closely when my body urges me to stay home. Everything is an energy exchange and some things cause you to expend more than you receive and that's all fine and to be expected but to be avoided if your personal bank of energy is running low.

So I've been staying home. I've been cleaning, clearing, and creating. I've spent at least a day’s time on creative projects this week. When it hits, it really hits and I must run with it.

I am still reading the personal MBA and it's my priority to finish it by the end of the year. Last time I spent time outlining my goals till the end of the year, next year goals, and 2023-2025 goals. These are always open to change and anything could happen but it feels great to write them down. Then I made a to-do list for today and as I was writing it I was thinking of how what I do today can help me stay on track for my year end goals.

Last week I started weight lifting with a trainer. This satisfies my workout 2-3 times a week goal(this is what future me does, I said), I'm training 3x a week and so far loving it so much. I've been thinking about weight lifting for about six months or so just marinating on the idea.

That's what I do, I marinate. Sometimes for six months but when I do decide to cook whatever I'm marinating it's usually with great results. I don't have regrets that I should've started sooner because I'm realizing that everything happens in the time and space that it should. I'm more comfortable with the process than I ever have been.

I'm not here to push anything in any direction and really being honest with myself about what's for and not for me.

I did go out for a bit on Friday and had a real time with Lydia down at Boston and title.

When I got home I was in a slight stupor and drunkenly scribbled, “I go about my day thinking that no man will understand me but then I think, they would be extremely lucky to”.

🤣😅🥲

I spent a lot of the weekend listening to Feist, wishing to be in love while knowing that I am not now and that's ok. The next few months will be very interesting and I am better off without the distraction for now.

Last night on a walk I smelled new and exciting memories based in other locations coming to me, it's a hard feeling to describe but when it happens it fills my heart.